Still trying to do it all?

Me too. 

I feel like I learn this lesson time and time again: you can’t do everything.

In November, I was tired and I looked around wondering why. As if I wasn’t running 2 groups a week, seeing individual clients, trying to keep my apartment clean, going to ukulele lessons, trying to go to the gym, trying to feed myself balanced meals, trying, trying, trying. I also needed to set up the webpages for all my January groups, approve my practicum students’ hours, and renew my passport. Of course I was tired. 

I felt myself starting to get sick and took a step back to reflect.

I reflected on all of the times I have found myself getting sick after exams or busy weeks. Fevers and chills and stomach flu and a pesky cold that won’t go away. Getting on a plane excited to go on a holiday only to be holed up in bed the very next day, my body processing all of the go-go-go by demanding that I rest. I don’t want to always be sick, but sometimes I have so much in my brain that go-go-go becomes the default.

The reality is that I am curious about a lot of things, and as a solo practitioner, I can go down any avenue I want. This means that there are no set boundaries around the time and energy I put into my job - unless I set these boundaries for myself. Yes, it would be nice to do a holiday crafting open studio. Ooh I do want to do more collage workshops! Hmm, maybe I can start creative coaching programs… But the amount of admin work (and then work work) I need to do to achieve it all is too much, especially when I am already tired. And pushing myself to do it all only ever ends with my body and spirit being undernourished as my brain works overtime.  

There is a reflection tool that I use at the end of my groups called Rock Stick Leaf, shared with me by art therapist Lista Qanaatia Spensley-Tagornak. We talk about what rocked, what will stick with you and what you want to leave behind. Running a 12-week creative group rocked this year. Supervising my practicum students and watching them grow their confidence will stick with me. And in the new year I want to leave behind trying to do everything all the way and all at once. 

I still want to do the things that matter to me and do them in a way that feels genuine. So the question I asked myself is: “how can I make a small change to make this easier for myself?”. I decided pretty immediately that I would continue offering snacks and drinks during my groups, but would be using paper drink cups and pre-made charcuterie plates. What if the group starts at 6:00 pm instead of 6:30? I imagine these small changes will actually make a big difference - my students and I will end up leaving the studio at 8:30 instead of 9:15. Home before 10:00, what a dream! We will be better rested and more excited to come back into the studio the following week. 

At the beginning of December, I considered how much admin work was on my plate and how much I would value the time to truly rest on my winter holiday. I decided to prioritize this work and put all new ideas on the backburner. If they are meant for me, they will still be there for me in a few months. While doing this work, I got my groceries delivered and purchased pre-made meals so that all I had to do was heat something up. I let my home get a little messy and tidied where I could. I stopped going to my weekly exercise class and opted to walk to the train station more. 

A big change for me in the past few years is that now I know that trying to do everything is not achievable. I used to think that I was just not trying hard enough or if I had a good enough detailed plan, then I could achieve everything. I used to look back enviously at my high school self, who kept high averages in all her classes, went to clubs at lunch, volunteered at the animal shelter, went to dance class once a week and band practice twice a week and wonder why I was so different now. Why couldn’t I just keep it together? (Spoiler alert: she had a school that created a highly organized schedule for her, very clear achievable responsibilities and nearly all domestic tasks done for her. Plus she was 16 and wasn’t yet exhausted). 

I know that I cannot maintain a perfect standard in everything that I do. At some point something has to slip. And instead of seeing that as a fault, I have started to see it as a way to give myself ease. 

It is ok if I don’t do the holiday craft workshop (even if it feels disappointing to not follow through on this idea). It is ok if group starts earlier and we use paper cups (even if it might be tricky for some people’s schedules and paper isn’t quite as nice as the ceramics). It is ok if I eat pre-made meals and only turn the stove on to make tea. It is ok to skip the exercise class. It is ok if the house is untidy. It is ok if my life is untidy.

Ease is allowed. 

As we enter into 2025, I am wishing for ease for you. I hope you have warmth and rest and care. I hope you have some time to reflect on your year. What rocked? What will stick with you? And what will you leave behind - how can you make one small change to make this next year easier?

Happy new year,