It's been a while since I have written a post. What was once a daily writing practice and a weekly blog has now become a slow trickle of thoughts and inspiration that I keep saved in my drafts folders.
I haven't been ready to write again; I have been doing different things: teaching 2 classes in summer semester, seeing therapy clients, learning ukulele, getting very into D&D and sinking in to a summer of slow days, fresh produce and swimming. I am also starting a new workshop series called Creative Renewal based on some of my recent musings.
Recently I have been thinking of how I define myself. It seems that my version of authenticity is always changing, growing and evolving. I have spent a lot of my life pursuing excellence. A few years ago, I would have thought that being inconsistent in sending this email would make me a failure. And this is because I didn't have a lot of experience with failure yet.
I always joined clubs I knew I would excel at, I started hobbies that aligned with a skill I already had, I competed only when I knew I had a chance of winning. If I could be known as a good student, a smart kid, an accomplished therapist, a celebrated artist, everything would be ok.
So when I received an email from a local webpage saying they would like to feature me on a list of "Best Psychotherapists of Vancouver", you would think I would jump at the chance. Instead, I paused.
Sometime in the last few years, that perception of myself changed. I realized I didn't need to be known in a certain way.
I didn't want to be on the list just to say that I was on it. They weren't asking me any questions about myself or my business, and would put me on their site only if I mentioned them on mine as well. A misleading perception of "the best".
I still feel the pull to control how I am perceived (especially when I am trying something new, like ukulele), but I am more comfortable now with being unknown, putting myself out into the world in small increments - not aiming for the best, but simply for alive and messy and weird and grateful.
I like to think that the people in my ukulele class know me as the woman who shows up and doesn't know the notes and makes mistakes and sings along anyway. I do not need to prove to them that I am good at other things. They don't need to know anything else about me for me to still be a valued person.
I like to think that you don't mind seeing irregular posts. Nobody is mad at me or thinks I am failing for simply living my life.
I like to think that I am actually better at my job when I am not trying to be the best. That my imperfections allow others to feel ok about theirs.
When all we let people know is the polished shiny sides of ourselves, we miss out on the experience of letting people view us with kaleidoscope eyes. Multi-faceted, sometimes disjointed, contours jutting up against each other. We are not simply a flat surface. To be unknown is scary, but to be known in only one plane of existence is potentially even scarier. I want people to know me when I am a beginner and making mistakes and when I am not my best self and when I am earnest and when I am scared. Being the "best" doesn't leave a lot go room for growth, exploration, curiosity and newness anyway. And what kind of life would that be?
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