how are you doing, really?
I went to sleep on election night with rage in my veins and woke up with tears in my eyes.
I have been in such a good place recently. I've been doing well! But sometimes it is hard to understand that a “good place” includes rage and frustration and grief and sadness.
I have been practicing connecting with my authenticity and my true feelings. I have been practicing saying no and only doing things when they feel right for me, rather than doing things because I feel like I have to do them for someone else. I feel more confident in myself and my decisions after years of soul searching. I am grateful I am feeling discomfort in response to a tumultuous world. I an grateful I have the capacity to pay attention.
When I recently asked myself how I want to continue showing up in my life, the clearest answer came to mind was protest.
I cannot separate the work that I do from the systems we live in. When I think about burnout, I think about what I have felt in my body. This clawing need to lay down and rest, paired with the mindset that I must keep going, must keep saying yes. I think about my clients who say that they have lost their sense of self, who have needed to take stress leave from work, who are asked to do tasks well outside their job descriptions, who are taking on additional emotional and mental labour even when they have no time or energy left.
I think about how we are told we need to dress and act in a certain way to be respected and how the definition of “good enough” keeps changing. I think about the ideal woman and how she doesn’t exist. I think about all of the women I have cried for when they tell me how they have been treated in this world. I think about all the women who have told me that it feels wrong to get mad.
Our world seems to be getting actively more anti-woman, anti-trans, pro-hate, pro-biogtry. This is reflected in voting patterns and in everyday interactions. The patriarchy is alive and well. Capitalism, consumerism, colonialism, racism, healthism, ableism and xenophobia are present and accounted for. The feelings that come with constantly living through major historical events, climate disasters and ongoing wars and genocide are so exhausting. These systems keep us working, keep us spending, keep us confused, keep our eyes diverted, keep us uncared for so they can keep us stuck. Getting angry is my way of getting unstuck.
I am writing this because as a white, cis, highly-educated person I have power and privilege. I want to stand up to injustices and use my privilege. I am writing this because as a queer, fat, highly sensitive woman I am scared. I know I am not alone in my fear.
I know I am not saying anything new here, that there are people who are more qualified to speak on these subjects. But I don’t want to let my fear of being seen as undereducated or underprepared or too sensitive stop me from speaking and sharing and feeling. I don't want to only post light and fluffy when that is not my reality.
I want to practice leaning into anger, to recognize that it can be a supportive emotion and let it fuel me. Expect more of this energy from me from now on, because I will not stop hoping for a better world.
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